ceinwyn81 (ceinwyn81) wrote,

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Baby changes everything

I know having a baby really changes things. I don't get to see friends hardly, or go anywhere. And if I do go somewhere I can only go for a short time, because I can't have my baby out for too long, or if I have a sitter I don't want to put them off their whole day. I am ok with that. She is very much worth it. She drives me crazy when she gets REALLY fussy. I love her more than anything in the world. With all that being said, I would like to see more of my friends. I keep saying "yeah we need to get together," and it never ends up happening. It makes me feel like a total flake. I am really not, I just have no transportation and no money for bus. That and I understand people are busy with their lives and work and stuff. Then there is those that don't want to hang out with me because of my child. They are Cool with me and love hangin with me, but so put off by kids that they don't want me to bring her with me. I understand and respect their stance they have taken on the subject of children, but I don't like feeling like I am being punished for having a baby. They tell me to get a sitter and we can chill. Well It isn't easy to get a sitter. and Kaylee is 2 weeks old. I really shouldn't be away from her for long periods of time. I can't just leave her with my mom, she doesn't mind and loves spending time with her, but she isn't a default sitter. Besides, if I do take her with me it's not like they are going to be changing diapers, feeding her, or really doing anything with her. I am not going to force them to hold her or do anything. I even told them she is usually really good. Which is true. She isn't colicky or really fussy all the time. She is pretty mellow and happy. She's mostly sleeping all the time. Today, she is EXTREMELY fussy. Screaming and crying all the time. I can barely do anything. I have been typing this entry for about an hour, because of the interruptions. So I type something on Facebook about it and I get a bonehead response. I might be overreacting. It's just that If you can't accept that I now have a child and will have to deal with her if you want to deal with me, then I guess it's time to move on. We are all older now and people are getting married, having kids. It's a part of life.

I got TANF from DSHS. They are going after Chad for Child Support now. After they get him in for a paternity test. I have been a bit anxious that he will start wanting visitation. I know he will not get custody, but I really am not comfortable with him being around her. I am not angry with him anymore, but I am just uncomfortable. He is beyond negative about EVERYTHING. He is an alcoholic, he has some issues I think he needs to seek help for. I believe he is bi polar. He needs to talk to someone. He needs to seek help for alcoholism. He needs to pull himself out of this denial he lives in. HE is so down in the dumps. Who wouldn't be, with being homeless? He put himself there though. He refuses to take responsibility for anything and actually do the work to make his life better. Instead he just takes it, sits there, and cries about it. Then the pity party rolls in where everyone coddles him with a "poor Chad." The other issue I want to touch on is that he is abusive. Now I am not saying he is a woman beater. He is more on the mental abuse thing. Telling me to leave my family and not talk to them anymore because his family left him. Also, my mom got a little miffed at him over his behavior at my birthday party, so he wanted nothing to do with her and that was another reason I was to abandon my family. He was downright rude to me. He talked to me like I was stupid. When I asked him to stop talking to me like that he told me to stop asking stupid questions. It wasn't anything extreme, but it had potential. It got worse when he punched out the door. I have zero sympathy for him. Until he gets his life turned around I want him out of mine and out of Kaylee's. I am not trying to rehash anything here. I am not bitching. Just basically thinking about things. I used to get angry when I think about Chad and the things he put me through. Now I just am happy it's over.
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