ceinwyn81 (ceinwyn81) wrote,
ceinwyn81
ceinwyn81

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I have reached a point in this process I call my life, that I am just taking shit as it comes.

I'll explain.

I'll start this off with work. I am not fond of my job. It's stupid, meaningless, and unnappreciating. I am nine months pregnant, I do the best I can within the limitations set upon me due to that condition. The things I have to go through at this job are not worth the stress I feel when I am there. I deal with it because I need the money and I can't afford to raise a big stink about all the crap. They have a few managers that like to just play around and not do any work. They have managers that are completely unprofessional when it comes to how they handle their jobs and employees. They have employees that should be fired, but don't because they are blind and stupid to his idiocies. They told me they are cutting me off. Except for a few days here and there of 3-4 hour shifts of cleaning the lobby. You know what? I am still fit to work, even though it hurts, is uncomfortable, and I am exhausted most of the time. I or my doctor will make the call on when I can and can't work anymore. At least thats how I see it.

Home.

Home is stressful. I come home. I relax. All I have is my room. My brother is so filthy and volatile I won't go out of my room for longer than a few minutes. He went off on me about how all I do is play video games. Well, I work! I FUCKING WORK! I come home and what am I supposed to do? Clean his shit? go on a marathon run? I AM NINE MONTHS PREGNANT! I can't do much of anything anymore. I am so plum tired from WORKING I come home, shower, and kick back. Either playing my Xbox or reading a book. Like I said my room is my sanctuary. However, When Kaylee gets here I will not lock myself in here anymore. Ray is going to have to go. Maternity leave with a newborn is going to be a fun ride, but I won't do it with Ray and his dog here. I need to have the place CLEAN and not smelling of illegal substances. I need quiet and peace. Not Him throwing hissy fits, yelling at his dog, or playing his rap crap or TV too damn loud. I can't believe he actually told me all I do is sit and play xbox all day. Hello? He sleeps all day long till like 2:30 pm, gets up smokes his shit, gets on his computer, and texts on his phone. Has made no effort to find a job. and I am the loser cuz I play Xbox. It's all too much. I can't deal with him anymore. So, basically I am looking for a new place to live if he isn't out of here within a couple weeks. I may have to suffer through my leave with him here and get a place when I start work up again. I am not sure whats going to happen, but I cannot deal with him anymore. I won't do anything for him at all. I won't watch his dog, I won't do his laundry, I won't give him any money, I won't do a damn thing for him ever. He owes me a sincere apology that I will only accept when he shows that he is genuinely sorry and SERIOUS about getting his life together. Until then I am done with him.

My own crap

I need to get a better job. I need to straighten out my finances. I am now on a budget. A very tight one. I need to save up money for a bed... AGAIN. I gave it to my mom to help her out. I need to get back into school, and I will when Kaylee is born. Everything I have planned will come after the baby is born. It's just the waiting that kills me.

Dating.

I am 6 months single! most people are depressed by that. Normally, I would be too. I feel like I have freed myself from the desire to be attached to anyone. I can't be bothered with it right now. I have a baby about to be born, School and work to get going with. When am I going to have the time? I think I needed all of this. I need the time to myself. Sure, someday in the future I am going to want to maybe start dating again. I just have to be careful because I don't want to be that mom that brings guys in and out of my kid's life. I owe her stability. I am not saying I am on a hunt for a new baby daddy or anything, because I'm not. She's my child and my responsibility.

Just alot of things going on. I might post with more details about what actually happened but I don't want to really.
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